Buffy in a Nutshell
by fridaythe13th
Summary: Since I am bored out of my wits, I threw something together. Hope it is funny. Rating just to be safe.
1. Season One

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Buffy. I'm just having fun with the series, so please don't sue. I DON'T HAVE MONEY!

**Author's Note: **I love Buffy and I think it is one of the best series on television. I'm just having fun here due to boredom.

**Season One**

JOYCE: Try not to get kick out of school.

XANDER: You forgot your stake!

GILES: You are the Chosen One. Into every generation…

BUFFY: It's my first day of school.

**(me):** Sarah Michelle Gellar is blonde?

ANGEL: You're standing on the mouth of hell and it's about to open.

GILES: The earth is definitely doomed.

BUFFY: You're my Xander-shaped friend.

**(me):** I didn't know Buffy takes drugs.

XANDER: Just for the record, you were right, I'm idiot, and God bless you.

**(me):** At least I agree with the idiot part.

BUFFY: Bite me!

WILLOW (on Xander): Why can't he turn into a puppy, or a duck?

**(me):** Not seeing the difference here.

Buffy screaming as Angel turns into a vampire.

**(me):** What happen to the handsome guy…oh wait, they are the same.

XANDER: I could say that I'm a n elderly Dutch lady. If I'm in the elderly Dutch lady chat room, who to say that I'm not.

BUFFY: Willow, axe murdered by a circus freak!

**(me):** Thank god I haven't met one yet.

WILLOW: I think dummies are cute. You don't?

XANDER: So the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter, and we're like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain.

**(me):** I get it! So the dummy is the guy who eats the brains in _Hannibal_.

CORDELIA: Hello, doofus. You're in my light.

VAMPIRE BUFFY: Scary. I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot scarier things than you. And I'm one of them.

**(me):** As a vampire, you are not only scary, but I'm also leaning towards the ugly side too.

GILES: A vampire in love with a Slayer. It's rather poetic. In a maudlin sort of way.

**(me taking a dictionary and looking up the word "maudlin"):** It means tearfully sentimental. What does that mean?

CORDELIA: I guess I just want to say thank you. All of you.

**(me):** Is that really Cordelia or am I watching the wrong show?

MASTER: Yes, yes! Shake, earth! This is a sign. We are in the final days. My time is come! Glory, glory!

**(me):** Is this show rated R?

MASTER: What do you think? 5.1?

**(me):** Oh. Now I understand the science behind earthquakes.

BUFFY (to the Master): You're that amped about hell? Go there!

**(me):** One point for the good guys and dust for the baddies. Hoorah!


	2. Season Two

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Buffy. I'm just having fun with the series, so please don't sue. I DON'T HAVE MONEY!!!!

**Author's Note: **I love Buffy and I think it is one of the best series on television. I'm just having fun here due to boredom.

**Season Two**

BUFFY: Hi guys. Miss me?

CORDELIA (to Buffy): You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?

BUFFY: What am I supposed to say? 'Sorry I almost got your throats slit. What's the homework?'

**(me):** I would take out that "sorry I almost got your throats slit". It doesn't rate high on the sociable list of things to say.

BUFFY (to Giles about Jenny Calendar): She's a technopagan, right? So ask her to bless your laptop.

Spike and Drusilla comes to town. Spike is in leather pants and has black nail polish. Drusilla has heavy makeup on.

DRUSILLA: Kill her for Princess?

**(me):** Hey, it's Dracula's bride.

SPIKE: Slayer... here, kitty, kitty... I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck him dry, and use their bones to bash your head in. Are you getting a word picture here?

**(me):** (looking at my food) Great. There's goes my appetite.

ETHAN: Hello, Ripper.

**(me):** Oh my god, so Giles' the Jack the Ripper… Shouldn't it be Rupert the Ripper?

KENDRA: I'm the Vampire Slayer.

**(me):** So the chosen one was a fluke. I knew it!

Cordelia and Xander kissing.

**(me):** Something about the writers of this show is very wrong.

Buffy and Angel have sex. Then Angel screams out in the alleyway, turning evil. The next time he comes on, Angelus is wearing leather pants.

**(me):** The villains in this show are easy to identify. Just look for the trademark leather pant.

JUDGE (on the rocket launcher): What does that do?

**(me): **Finally we get some fiery action. But why is the smurf a bad guy.

Oz turning into a werewolf.

**(me):** No one on this show is normal.

Angelus snaps Jenny Calendar's neck.

**(me):** Ouch. I hope her salary includes medical expenses.

ANGELUS: My boy Acathla here is about to wake up. You're going to hell.

Angelus and Buffy fight, with stunt doubles looking nothing like Sarah Michelle Gellar or David Boreanaz.

Buffy thrusts the sword into Angel.

**(me):** Well, at least someone is going to hell. (Then I start crying.)


	3. Season Three

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Buffy. I'm just having fun with the series, so please don't sue. I DON'T HAVE MONEY!!!!

**Author's Note: **I love Buffy and I think it is one of the best series on television. I'm just having fun here due to boredom.

**Season Three**

Buffy and Joyce hugs at the end of the first episode.

**(me just waking up):** What happened? Oh well. (goes back to sleep)

FAITH (wearing leather pants): Hi, I'm Faith.

**(me):** She's evil! (Faith kills a vampire.) Oh, wait, she's a Slayer.

That ancient vampire with Mr. Trick appears on the screen.

**(me): **This one is uglier than that Master guy.

Angel comes back naked.

**(me):** Now that's entertainment! (I go on drooling.)

Giles and Joyce out stealing.

**(me):** So that's what adults are like in their teens. (shake my head) Those poor 70s policemen.

SPIKE: Home sweet home.

Willow and Xander are caught kissing.

**(me): **What did they expect, cheering and smiles all around?

Buffy as the rogue Slayer, kicking ass.

**(me):** Now that's what I call kicking ass. (Buffy gets killed by the Master) There goes my role model.

FIRST EVIL: You have no idea what you're dealing with.

Angel tries to kill himself, but saved by snow.

**(me): **It doesn't snow in southern California. (thinks for a moment) Finally global warming is doing something good.

Faith kills a human.

**(me): **I told you she was evil. The leather pants never fail.

Angel kissing Faith.

**(me): **They had sex?!

FAITH (on Mayor Wilkins): Come graduation day, he's getting paid.

**(me): **I thought being the Mayor is a paying job.

FAITH: What can I say? I'm the world's best actor.

ANGEL: Second best.

**(me):** Now I'm seriously confused. (after a second) Oh well, at least Angel is back on the home team.

XANDER: I'm still having trouble with the fact that one of us is just going to gun everybody down for no reason.

**(me): **Obviously, he doesn't read the news.

Buffy and Angel's sewer talk.

**(me): **Great place to get dumped. (then I sulk for the rest of the series.) (Sorry, I'm a loyal B/A fan.)

Buffy stabs Faith who jumps into a moving truck. The next thing I know, Faith is in hospital.

**(me): **How did she get there?

Angel sucking Buffy's blood.

**(me): **This has too much sexual intention in it. (I get up and left for a split second before coming back to watch the rest of the season.)

The whole library blowing up.

**(me): **I wish I went to a school like that. Yeah! No school!


	4. Season Four

**Season Four**

We meet Riley.

**(me): **This guy is so boring!

Buffy getting her ass kicked by Sunday.

**(me):** That's gotta hurt.

KATHY: I'm 3000 years old. When are you going to stop treating me like I'm 900?

**(me): **What planet does she live on? Oh wait, she's not human.

Buffy sleeps with Parker, then Parker bushes her off lightly.

**(me** shaking my headWhen is she going to learn?

Anya and Xander having sex.

Spike has a slight moment of daylight.

ANYA: Bunnies frighten me.

**(me): **She probably watched _Donnie Darko_ too.

Oz leaves Willow.

Spike gets zipped by the Initiative. Spike comes back paler.

**(me): **Any more of that, Spike can camouflage with the snow.

Buffy and Spike kissing.

**(me): **That's just disturbing. I think I'm going to vomit. (Even though I am a loyal B/A fan, I accept and understand the relationship between Buffy and Spike. Everything here is just me having fun.)

Half of "Hush" is a no-talk episode.

**(me** falling asleep on the sofa

We find out that Riley is with the Initiative.

Giles turns into a demon.

**(me): **Finally, Giles' real image comes out.

Riley gets kicked out of the Initiative.

**(me): **Guess they thought he was boring too.

Faith wakes up from a coma.

BUFFY: Five by five.

**(me): **This looks bad.

TARA: I am, you know.

WILLOW: What?

TARA: Yours.

**(me** drops my jaw in amazement.

Jonathan stakes a vampire with ease.

**(me): **Did I just miss an episode here?

Buffy and Riley have a lot of sex.

**(me): **…………

Oz comes back.

**(me): **This is turning into a soap.

Angel and Riley fighting.

**(me): **Go Angel! Kick his ass!

Buffy kicks Adam's ass.

The first Slayer appears.

**(me): **Who invited the freak?!


End file.
